Consiousness
by BMRH
Summary: "Why should you even bother to stay awake?" Another poetic rendition of the hospital scene in "The Lying Detective" from Sherlock's point of view.
1. Chaos

**AUTHOR'S FIRST NOTE**

I really liked the last fanfiction I published which was in poetry form. First, it went much quicker than usual for me to write it and second, I found it much easier to write from Sherlock's point of view in that way. It's a little bit more forgiving, so to say. As it's also a perfect form to write angst in, I'm continuing on that. So what is the most angsty scene in the whole show? Well, by far the morgue scene and the end of _The Lying Detective_ I would say. This is the scene, and some missing pieces in between the following ones, written from Sherlock's point of view, reflecting on his feelings and memories. Written as needy, desperate and frightened, which I truly think he was at that moment because of the drugs and what had happened before it. All and all, a broken man. I will publish this in many chapters because I just started writing so many of these paragraphs. Johnlock if you squint. **Content warnings for graphic violence, disturbing imagery, drug use and occasional death wish. _Angst_ , just the way we like it!**

 _Feel free to cry. Here we go..._

* * *

 _ **COUNSIOUSNESS**_

* * *

 **1.**

You are trapped in chaos  
What does it all really mean?  
What is happening, what is real?  
Is nothing what you think you've seen?

The daughter, she looks different  
The killer is laughing amused  
His chuckles echoes in your head  
The famous man you've publicly accused

You review the facts over and over  
Trying to figure out what went wrong  
How could you not see the difference?  
Have you been high for just too long?

No, it can't be a mistake!  
What was it that you had planned?  
Why do they stare at you and not at him?  
How did the scalpel get into your hand?

The chuckles roars loudly  
You can't, just _can't_ let the killer go free  
Screaming at the top of your lungs  
"Stop laughing... STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

John Watson seizes your coat  
You've crossed a line he can't allow  
Throws you violently against the hard steel  
"Stop it! _Stop it now!"_

His voice freezes you in an instant  
He has said these words before  
On the roof when he begged you to live  
Their sound still shakes your very core

Six years, so many memories  
All the things you've been through  
Does he know you always faced them together?  
Even when he actually wasn't there with you?

He slaps you, slaps you hard  
His face is the only thing you can see  
"What are you doing?! Wake up!"  
 _John, why aren't you listening to me?_

The first hit brings you to the ground  
The second with the same aim  
It's the third which breaks your nose  
"Is this a bloody game?!"

Fists turn into kicks  
One quickly followed by another  
Finally the whimpers have to escape you  
 _Remember when we only had each other?_

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S SECOND NOTE**

Yeah... I'm going to be absolutely destroyed when I'm done with this one... Please **Follow & Favourite**, because there will be more coming out soon. Also, please comment because it really makes my life so much more interesting to hear what you think about my work!

 **Thank you!**


	2. Cold

**AUTHOR'S THIRD NOTE**

I'm trying to post quickly for a change because this fic is taking up my whole life and I just can't have it that way while I'm writing my masters dissertation! Here is the second part and we're still in the morgue. _When does the suffering stop…?_

* * *

 **2.**

Why does the beating stop?  
Not because of John's own will  
It's possible but incomprehensible  
What if the aim actually was to kill?

The floor is grey and clean  
The disinfection does no good  
Against the smell of sickening iron  
The stench of your own spilled blood

You raise your head so slowly  
Trying to meet the gaze of your friend  
Even though you fear what it'll tell you  
Showing you what's left in the end

John's eyes are only cold  
So much colder than the floor  
You don't tremble because of pain  
No, everything else hurts so much more

The hatred, the loathing  
You've always known anyhow  
That you're dirt, worthless, a freak  
But never been more reminded than now

John turns around  
He walks away and leaves  
Not even glancing back a single time  
It's over, he no longer believes

You know what's coming next  
There's no more time left to flee  
It's now that it finally frightens you  
 _Please, come back... John, don't leave me!_

Why are your eyes so damp?  
Is it only the exhaustion and ache?  
You're so tired, just don't understand  
Why should you even bother to stay awake?

And finally your eyes blackens  
Darkness takes over your gaze  
Takes you away from all the anguish  
To a better time and a better place

Back to the beginning  
Before your deadly fall  
When you were young and the days simple  
When life was laughing together against Mrs Hudson's wall

Maybe you should stay there?  
Well, what's left if you restart?  
You have already died anyway  
Who can survive someone burning your heart?

Mary gave you a case  
She begged you to save your friend  
What if you could just rewrite one moment?  
 _Mary, you should have let me die instead_

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S FOURTH NOTE**

It's something about Sherlock's drug addled inner monologue desperately begging John not to leave him, even after what just happened, which makes my heart clench every time I've been reading it when writing. I've been considering if it was too out of character but on the other hand, do I think he was scared? Well, obviously because I think he knew that he had overdone it, that he was losing control of the situation. I don't think he believed that John could actually do what he did to him. Yes, in a way he had it coming, in a way it might even have been part of his plan but it still doesn't take away the fact that it probably was the worst moment of his adult life.

So yeah, that's my thoughts on it. What's yours and what did you think about this part?

The next part will be up within a few days tops. Hours if we're lucky.

 **Again, thank you!**


	3. Catatonic

**AUTHOR'S FIFTH NOTE**

This part is freer from the original storyline and tries to fill the gap between the morgue and the scene after. I've written my thoughts on the whole thing in the next author's note. Just want to say that if you don't want to read that, skip it because it ended up quite long. _Let's have our daily dose of angst then!_

* * *

 **3.**

The medics start approaching  
They push a sedative into your vein  
Maybe they think it makes a difference?  
That what they're doing is more humane?

Because they secure you to the stretcher  
Strap you to the metal bars by your hands and feet  
No, they won't take any risks with madmen  
Even those disarmed by a doctor's heat

They bring you to the elevators  
Up and into a large patient room  
Dress you in standard sterile clothing  
Those scrubs in which humans await their doom

Why do they fasten the straps again?  
Did he make them keep you restrained?  
What if you can't move when he comes?  
The killer is going to be so entertained

You're trying to find a solution  
Locking yourself up in your consciousness  
Trying to discuss with John as usual  
But the response is just... _silence_...

Behind the mask rises the panic  
In your head it screams loud and wild  
And you hate that you actually understand  
What can make a grown man cry like a child

A door is slowly opening  
You quickly shut your eyes  
This isn't right, it's still too early...  
Your alarm becomes even harder to disguise

But the steps are uneven  
Of course you recognise their sound  
How can you ever forget them?  
Two feet and a stick against the ground

John clears his throat  
At least he doesn't like what he sees  
"It's just a precaution." says the nurse  
"Just remove them, will you please?"

She frees you and he takes a seat  
Places the chair far away from your side  
Does he think about what happened earlier?  
In any way regret that he left you behind?

He sits quiet for a long time  
Watches you sternly as the daylight fade  
You know he has come for a single reason  
The decision had already been made

In the end, he rises from the chair  
There's just no reason for him to dwell  
The stick he leaves by your bedside  
His way of telling you his final farewell

And for a second time he leaves you  
The door closes and then he's gone  
It makes you as irrational as the first time  
 _Please, I don't want to do this alone..._

All is silent, the stage is set  
You keep your eyes closed and wait  
The pain is tiring, can't help drifting off  
Just sleep until you have to face your fate

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S SIXTH NOTE**

I think this is my favourite part yet, because I got to write something which was off screen and use my imagination a bit. At the same time I hate that it is... Why do I do this to my baby? It feels like a stab to the heart each time I read it!

I have a head canon which is related to what I wrote in the first part too, that Sherlock always talks to John, also in his head when he needs to solve a difficult problem or in general (which they have implied on the show a few times). The head canon is basically that when Sherlock really understood that John didn't want anything to do with him, when he beat him to a pulp, then even his inner dialogue silenced. John didn't talk to him in his head either. It was quiet, he knew he was alone and it made him completely terrified, especially in this situation when he was so messed up on drugs that it crushed his feelings. Also, which I hope was clear, he doesn't show any signs on the outside of his panic (because he's still that good) but he understands how people break down from a situation like this, being unable to move and not knowing what to do, how adults can scream and cry like children.

Finally, I like that John isn't too comfortable with seeing Sherlock being treated as a psychotic madman (also maybe because he might be a bit unsure about who it really is that needs to be restrained?) and saves him without even knowing it. After all, he knows he isn't mad; just different and that's what he _has_ liked about him up until now.

 **What did you think about this part? Do you like it as much as I do?** **Please comment your thoughts!**


	4. Choke

**AUTHOR'S SEVENTH NOTE**

Now it's time for this scene then: the infamous suffocating scene. I'm nervous... This was more difficult to write in a way because I knew what I had to get into the scene and I shorted it down quite a bit. _Here we go..._

* * *

 **4.**

Your eyelids are parting slowly  
The killer sits in the visitors chair  
Unmoving and completely relaxed  
Only eyeing you with a keen stare

"Why?" he wonders interested  
Yes, he expects you to plea  
You're going to give him what he desires  
"I want you to kill me."

"Say that for me."  
This is what triggers his high  
What they all say in their last moments  
"No, I don't want to die..."

"Once more for luck."  
He'll do it until you break  
The final time you start to whimper  
Is the anguish in your voice really just fake?

Your body is lowered down  
The killer asks if you want one more breath  
Preparing to make his usual move  
To send you irrevocably towards your death

His hands cover your mouth and nose  
That's what's most effective to block  
No betraying signs will be on your neck  
 _"Go to hell, Sherlock."_

The oxygen is out way too quickly  
Your organs are craving new air  
No, you can't lose consciousness now  
Keep focusing on meeting the killer's stare

Black spots start to appear  
More and more of them on your eyes  
What do you do if _he_ isn't coming?  
What if it has just been too many lies?

You feel the spasms hurting badly  
Your body's desperate last fight  
The killer, he likes to watch it happen  
The moment when they step into the light

You're losing sense of your muscles  
It's no longer something you can stop  
Agony, the panic is everywhere  
"And off... we... _pop_..."

 _… Is it over now…?_  
Maybe it was a good way to die?  
Because you hear John's voice again  
At least your mind gave you a proper goodbye

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S EIGHTH NOTE**

Ahh, the last paragraph _kills_ me... I realise that I'm writing him as "superneedy" but I don't know. If there's one situation where he probably was, it's this one. Yes, this was a shorter chapter but you get the idea.

 **Please comment on what you think about the rhythm in the text so far and about the portrayal in general. I'm extremely grateful for the comments I've gotten on this story.**

 **Thank you!**


	5. Calm

**AUTHOR'S NINTH NOTE**

Oh, God! It's finally over! This fic has been putting the rest of my life on delay so I'm relieved that I'm done, even though a bit sad. This chapter is again more free and filled of my imagination. As it's the last chapter, which means that it needed to resolve some things, I also made it longer than the others. Again, thank you to you who have been reading the whole poem and I hope the last chapter lives up to your expectations. _Let's do this..._

* * *

 **5.**

Suddenly air refills your lungs  
The hands are pulled off your face  
"What were you doing to him?!"  
 _John..._ His words fill the killer's place

You gasp until your vision clears  
Explains how it all happened  
John curses repeatedly over and over  
In the end it was just like you had imagined

The killer is taken briskly away  
John's focus fully changes to you  
His gaze is different now than before  
Now when he knows what you've been through

Maybe it's pity?  
Maybe he's completely unaware?  
To you it doesn't matter  
At least he looks at you with care

He holds his phone to his ear  
Paces restlessly while he talks  
His words declares that it's finally over  
"Send an ambulance. Yes, from here to Barts."

He goes on to check your pulse  
Presses his fingers against your skin  
You're feeling yourself relax under their touch  
Almost have to resist the urge to lean in

Ambulance staff enters and get to work  
Swiftly they lift you off the bed  
"One, two, three." they steadily count  
John is there to secure your head

The drugs were switched hours ago  
Against this torture they no longer allay  
Does John see the pain in your features?  
He breathes deeply and looks another way

There isn't going to be a wait  
The ambulance has already arrived  
A nurse asks if John wants to join them  
He hesitates, doesn't know what to decide

You sit up with your last powers  
The medics gently push you back down  
They don't understand, you have to see!  
John glances towards you with a frown

You have no energy for a struggle  
In the end you just have to surrender  
"Lay down, Mr Holmes. It'll be fine."  
No, nothing will if you can't remember

You manage to look below the stretcher's edge.  
Why should John have forgiven you for your crime?  
If this is the last time you'll ever see him  
 _Let me just memorise him one final time..._

But then you see him step into the ambulance  
Taking his usual seat by your side  
"Please, give him something for the pain."  
And your relief is almost impossible to hide

The vehicle moves calmly on the roads  
The way it rocks you makes you tired  
It's too difficult to keep your eyes open  
Now when you've done what was required

John sees how you're persisting  
After all, that's what you always do  
"Sherlock, relax. No need to fight it."  
And for once you know that's actually true

So you're allowing your body to let go  
Soon your mind becomes overtaken too  
And you whisper softly as it happens  
Only two words: "...Thank you..."

John says nothing in reply  
For a moment only silence exist  
The answer isn't given in any words  
Only by him placing his palm on your wrist

You turn your lower arm upwards  
Make your fingers grasp around his hand  
And when your grip loosens he holds on  
Guiding you securely into dreamland

Things can't be like they were before  
That much you've already been shown  
But for now you lose consciousness without worry  
Because John is here and you're not alone

* * *

 **AUTHOR'S FINAL NOTE**

And there it is! I'm done and the ending is bittersweet and so much Hurt/Comfort it can be. I'm crying over here, okay?! And yes, change "Thank you" to "I love you" if you want to. I'm aiming to write platonic super-close friendship but you can interpret it as you want. I would like also to hashtag this chapter #john'sbloodyguiltyconscience. Especially that part when he looks away because he sees that Sherlock is in pain and knows that he is the primary cause of it. My favourite part is the one with that "At least he looks at you with care". Yes, in general I'm very pleased with this ending. And again, I know I've written Sherlock as extremely needy but I thought it fitted the situation and after that has happened, he's trying to enjoy every moment with John because he doesn't know how long it will last.

 **Now when I'm done, pleeeease comment your thoughts and favourite the story if you liked it!**

 **Thank you!**


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